How Do You Know the Number of Children You Will Have
Children. Brilliant, aren't they? Everyone says so. I've got 2 children myself, and I love them more than than anything and would do anything for them.
I don't await anyone else to feel the aforementioned, though. Not anyone outside of my immediate family anyway. They're MY children; why would I wait consummate strangers to give a damn near how I and my married woman reproduce?
Except they Practice care. Sometimes, quite a lot. Speak to anyone (well, any woman) of changeable age and they'll regularly have been asked virtually their intentions regarding having children, with the emphasis firmly on "when", non "if". Asking people you barely know about their plans to procreate is completely normal, like asking about the weather condition or where they got your hair cut.
Information technology isn't always friendly chit-chat. For saying she didn't want children in a recent BBC article, Gadgette editor Holly Brockwell received ridiculous amounts of hostile abuse. Any your position on the thing, information technology's articulate that people care a great deal about other people having children (or that insecure men can't bargain with a woman making decisions about her own body – tin't dominion that out).
Just similar how pregnant women, despite all they're going through, receive constant scrutiny and criticism, your reproductive intentions are apparently fair game for public scrutiny. However, information technology's not a elementary yep/no state of affairs; the number of children you lot accept/desire matters besides. So, what is the ideal number of children to have so that people will get out you lot alone? Well, allow's detect out.
No children = wrong
Every bit we've seen, people (meaning women) proverb they don't want children is a big no-no. This may exist due to the fundamental urge to procreate being intertwined with much of human being society, so someone saying they don't want children strikes others as "wrong" or "unnatural".
Not that this excuses anything; wearing clothes is similarly "unnatural" but nobody gets grief for that unless their fashion sense is horrifically bad.
This assumption that having children is "the done thing" means many couples are too regularly questioned nigh their procreation plans. Thing is, having children is a large deal, almost plainly for women. The intense strain on the female body is just the beginning. Once pregnancy is over, you've got a pocket-sized human that you're responsible for 24/7, for near 2 decades. Many are overjoyed by this prospect, which is great, but that doesn't hateful everyone is.
However, people still regularly inquire "when practice you program on having children?" "Any kids on the manner?" etc.
If y'all do this to childless people, two things; 1, it's none of your business. Two, you have no idea if they are trying to have children, and haven't succeeded yet. Fertility problems are very mutual, as are miscarriages, but society has decreed that we don't talk about these things. If someone has no children, it may exist a conscious choice, or information technology may exist due to upsetting/traumatic health issues. The last thing they want is a casual associate frankly asking why you've no offspring, every bit if the but affair stopping them is laziness. And for something as mundane as small talk?
As nosotros can see, having zero children is no defence against scrutiny and judgment from others.
One child = wrong
OK, then you've got one child. You've reproduced. Surely people will be satisfied at present?
No, of course not. The "only kid" stereotype is largely a negative one, as detailed excellently in Taylor Glenn's contempo guest post. Having only one is also seen as unfair to the child. Many people will say the child "needs" a sibling, or they'll get lonely, which unless they're kept in a sterile room all day is quite unlikely.
Typical questions change from "when are y'all having kids?" to "When are yous having another?" Yet, the same rules regarding fertility and miscarriages apply as in the previous example. Just because someone has given birth one time is no guarantee they'll exist able to practice so again; bodies change over time, particularly after a procedure as hard every bit creating and giving birth to a child.
As we tin can see, having 1 child is no defence confronting scrutiny and judgment from others.
Two children = incorrect
Technically, this is the most adequate option, only you have to go about information technology in very specific ways. The acceptance may come up from the clichéd 2.4 children statistic, making it seem like two children is "normal". There's also a pleasing mathematical aspect too; two parents, two children. Nicely counterbalanced.
However, if you have two children of the same sexual activity, expect questions similar "don't you want some other, to endeavour for a son/daughter?" because children are similar sticker books; they're not as skilful if y'all don't have a full fix. There's besides a growing belief that three is the ideal number of children, not two.
Twins also throw a spanner into the equation; many people are concerned nigh the platonic age gap between siblings, and twins don't really take one. Likewise, do twins count equally two children? It's merely one "birth", and then some people may question your commitment to parenting (cue the sound of exploding heads from anyone who's actually raised twins).
Every bit we tin see, having two children is no defence force against scrutiny and judgment from others.
3 or more children = wrong
Despite the growing trends mentioned higher up, two children still seems to the ideal number. An actual study revealed one to ii children is the ideal number for "happiness", but with ii you don't accept to deal with the same only kid issues.
Plus, with many people thinking two children is the adequate average number of children, 3 or more is conspicuously above boilerplate, and this pushes you into "big family" territory. Having a supposed big family makes you a target for much criticism, with accusations ranging from being irresponsible to self-indulgent and more.
Every bit we tin see, having three or more children is no defense force confronting scrutiny and judgment from others.
Other variables
As if all of the above didn't make information technology hard enough to avoid the judgement of strangers, don't forget these other factors.
- Don't be single: unmarried mothers are, as we know, the worst sort of people and fair game for political and media attacks. No matter how many children you take, if yous're unmarried yous are doing something bad (obviously).
- Don't be likewise young: If you have children at too young an historic period you are conspicuously irresponsible and aren't capable of knowing what you're doing. Y'all should await until yous turn at least 25 when an in-depth noesis of parenting is beamed directly into your brain by the government while you slumber.
- Don't be too old: If you have children in your forties or, god forbid, fifties, this is just wrong on then many levels. Admittedly the risks are greater with having children later in life (not that it's ever a 100% safe procedure), but the supposition from others that considering you lot can take children you should have children comes to a screeching halt around middle age.
- Don't be poor: If you are not financially secure, you shouldn't take any number of children, lest you lot be accused of beingness a sponger or reckless scrounger. Information technology doesn't even count if y'all became poor after having children. You should really just reproduce when you can confirm that sufficient finances are guaranteed for the rest of your life, similar everyone else does.
- Don't be disabled/gay/Trans etc.: Your very beingness seems to upset people, and so reproducing is just going to exacerbate things.
Overall, in that location's clearly no combination of variables that will protect you lot from criticism or judgement when deciding to outset a family (or non). Given how so many people have such strong views on children and parenting, someone'south going to find mistake in your decisions no matter what they are, no affair how irrelevant their arguments may exist. All you can actually do is put upward with information technology, even though it's hard to retrieve of something that is so fundamentally "your business".
Dean Burnett promises he has experienced, heard or been told nigh all of the things mentioned hither, ofttimes via Twitter. @garwboy
- The Idiot Brain past Dean Burnett (Guardian Faber, £12.99). To lodge a copy for £7.99, go to bookshop.theguardian.com or telephone call 0330 333 6846. Costless Great britain p&p over £ten, online orders only. Phone orders min. p&p of £1.99.
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Source: https://www.theguardian.com/science/brain-flapping/2015/nov/26/what-is-the-correct-number-of-children-to-have
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